“The great thing about the United States is that we don’t have to have a ‘procreation day’.Everybody’s getting it on during the lunch hour anyway.”
“Liberals are trying to change everything about the way people live. It’s been going on a long time, but it would have advanced a lot sooner had it not been for the effectiveness of me.”
“VladimirPutin is former KGB. Well, there is no such thing, actually, as ‘former’ KGB. Once you are KGB, you are KGB.”
“There is no documented evidence of secondhand smoke killing anybody. That is a myth, and the WHO suppressed their own survey on this. Besides, my mom smoked — and look at me!”
“I hate the holier-than-thou among us who think that everything they do in life is right, and so everybody else has to emulate them: ‘You smoke? Ew! Ew! I must make you stop!'”
“I got a bunch of e-mails from people, Mr. Rove, when I said you were going to be on the show. They wanted me to pass on to you that they love you.”
“Do you realize that 99% of people who have been in an auto accident ate carrots during the previous 12 months of their lives? Do you realize that 99.9% of all people who have died have eaten carrots? Carrots are hugely deadly!”
“I have an idea, folks: let’s start irrigating Laurie David’s backyard.”
“Lilly, if you’re still out there, I goofed up on one thing: Barbie dolls are part of the Mattel recall because there’s lead in there. So Lilly, don’t lick your Barbie doll.”