“You people know that I am a compassionate, generous individual. Well, I saw something yesterday that saddened me. The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric had its lowest numbers since 1987. So I today am going to offer to Katie Couric myself as an interview subject. I am ratings.”
“I don’t know if I’ll hear from Katie, Mr. Snerdley, but I wanted to make the offer nevertheless. Of course, I have a solid history with CBS and its affiliates. Ha, ha!”
“I have a story that says two and a half million fewer people are watching primetime television this season than last. They’re chalking it up to Daylight Savings Time. My rear end! Try: ‘the shows suck.'”
“Liberal questions about this event at Fort Dix are: Did this alert clerk who alerted the authorities — did he violate their civil rights? When these six are in prison, will they get new Korans or will they get used ones?”
“When my staff pulls into the local gas station they use the full-service pumps because I don’t want them getting gasoline-stained hands and fingers when they come back home.”
“We don’t know who the store clerk by Fort Dix is, but he was obviously helping the Bush administration illegally spy domestically. He’s obviously part of Bush’s secret police. This guy needs to be identified and put in jail.”
“You go try making fun of liberalism and see what happens to you! They will not withstand mockery!”
“I can just imagine the feverish activity going on right now at Clinton, Inc. about how to spin this Balkan thing: ‘We gotta send Sandy Burglar to purloin some documents! We gotta straighten this out before Limbaugh takes it too far!'”
“How can we, the United States of America, be friends with these terrorists if we insist on arresting them every time they threaten to kill a few of us?”
