“Oil is king right now, and it’s going to be for a long time. And I am not going to go out and grab a bunch of leaves and take them inside when I have to use the bathroom. I am going to use toilet paper! I’m going to try to be as hygienically correct as I can!”
“Senator Kennedy gave us a description of waterboarding recently. I thought, ‘Here’s a guy that if anybody should know about drowning, it would be Senator Kennedy.'”
“This global warming stuff is just a way to increase taxes by hiding it behind some virtuous, save-the-planet garbage. Chuck Rangel at least had the honesty to come out and say, ‘You’re not paying nearly enough, and I’m going to soak you.'”
“Have you ever noticed how often Mrs. Clinton says, ‘I don’t know about that’? Here’s a woman who is maniacally in control of everything in her life, and yet at the most inappropriate times for her it’s: ‘I don’t know about that.'”
“Report: ‘Married men with kids actually report a lower rate of absences at work than men without kids.’ Hell, yes! Who would want to stay home with the kids when you’re married? Now I’m getting arguments from all the fathers here on the staff.”
“I’m all for saving energy and not wasting just for extravagant purposes, but, at the same time, it is my house, it is my property, and, if I’m willing to pay for it, then screw everybody else!”
“I think we’re missing the whole point of all this waterboarding stuff anyway. Who the hell are we talking about here? We’re talking about the type of lowlifes that behead people and plot things like 9/11!”
“I have an even better way to save energy: Stop complaining to me about my lights, and let’s just turn off MSNBC. Then again, it may not do anything because there aren’t that many people watching it in the first place.”
“I got out of my blue funk last night for a host of reasons, not the least of which was the Steelers mauling the Baltimore Ravens. Payback!”