“Hell, folks, I’m going to go so far out on a limb and tell you that nighttime cable television shows are just talk radio on TV. And who do you think was the inspiration for trying that format on television? Wasn’t Jon Stewart!”
“Harry Reid said, ‘I can’t run Ms. Pelosi. She runs that place with an iron hand.’ This is juicy, folks! I must admit that I love it.”
“The attacks, by the way, on Obama have come from liberals. So Obama is the first top-tier black candidate for president, and it is liberals trying to destroy this guy.”
“Let me ask you this: is wearing contact lenses ‘cheating’ in sports if your vision is not what it should be? How about working out, period? You go back to the Babe Ruth days, and the workout took place in the bar.”
“Speaking of boobs, are actresses who go out and get breast implants cheating? It is the entertainment business, after all. Well, just asking.”
“Have you ever wondered why pregnant women don’t fall over? I haven’t, either. And yet we have a story here from NewScientist.com to explain it to us.”
“Look: The Oprah is doing exactly what The Oprah is going to do. She’s picked Obama, but she has to cover her bets in case he doesn’t win — because you don’t want Don Vito Clintonleone and his wife as your enemy.”
“It’s no different than the sun coming up every morning: the Clintons are going to have fundraising irregularities.”
“We had a schoolmarm up there at the debate yesterday. Dawn, did you see her? I mean, ‘a schoolmarm’, frankly, is being kind — she ran that thing like she was running a prison camp, for crying out loud!”