“Jos Padilla claimed that he was forced to stand in painful stress positions, given LSD as a truth serum, was subjected to loud noises and noxious odors and forced to endure sleep deprivation, extreme heat, cold, and harsh lights. That sounds like your average college hippie party back in the 1960s.”
“Wouldn’t it be great if Fox went ahead and televised the debate and just put up cardboard cutouts of all the Democrats who aren’t there? They could ask them questions anyway and let the silence speak for itself.”
“Imus is out there throwing my name around as if that gives him cover, and that’s gutless. He can’t stand on his own two feet and is acting like a little six-year-old in a sandbox: ‘Waaa!'”
“LaFleur Dominicana Double Ligero Chisel dittos, ladies and gentlemen; that’s the cigar that I am puffing on. You should smell it! Even people who hate cigars love this one, it smells so good.”
“I was once on TV with Al Sharpton way back in the early nineties. After he finished his opening riff, I looked at him and said, ‘I don’t understand why you have any credibility left with people in your community.’ He looked at me and was just stunned.”
“‘Planting new trees in snow-covered northern regions may actually contribute to global warming;’ this according to a study that was out Monday. So all you people buying these carbon offsets — mwa, ha ha!”
“I erred in the last hour; I erroneously gave credit for the NCAA ladies basketball championship to Rutgers. I want to apologize to the Lady Vols, and I will meet with the team individually to try to restore their joy.”
“I very seldom get offended. It’s a waste of time, it’s a waste of energy, and it’s a waste of intellect. But more than that, it is a surrendering of self and power. Why in the world would you want to grant people, people you don’t even know, the ability and power to offend you?”
“The Reverend Jackson does come up with great rhymes: ‘MSNBC, CNN, all day, all night, all white.’ Let’s add to this: ‘MSNBC, CNN, all liberal, all day, all night, all white.'”