“Janet Reno’s new CD — Songs of America — is in the stores now, folks. I don’t know if she does a duet with Barry Manilow on this CD. What, Snerdley? No, no — Janet Reno wouldn’t be on any ‘truckers’ favorites’ list.”
“Yippee. Yip, yip, yip, yip, yippee. Way to go, Snerdley. First call of the day: somebody who wants to talk about O.J. Simpson.”
“The simplest way to explain what liberals want to do to people is to use the word ‘freedom’: Do you like it? Do you want to keep it? Because it’s threatened by today’s Democrats.”
“I guarantee you Bashar Assad calls Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in Iran and says, ‘You won’t believe what just happened here! I just had these two idiot infidels walk in here — this midget Kucinich and this Pelosi babe — and they’re telling me how much they love us! Ha, ha, ha!'”
“Today is Dawn’s birthday, and two of her friends showed up with — what? Some weeds? Some flowers. Oh, those are from us? Well, I knew that.”
“You know, Harry, I have a hearing problem. I have a cochlear implant, but some words sound similar and so I thought you said to me, ‘Long asses and tight lines.'”
“New York Representative Peter King said there are ‘too many mosques in this country.’ Can you say, ‘Uh-oh’? Although, I happen to think this is a very courageous thing to say.”
“Look at this headline: ‘Man Hides Sex Toys in Sausage for Dubai Trip.’ I’ll tell you, you don’t want to take stuff like that in Dubai. You do not. If you’re thinking of that, folks, stop yourself. Discipline, discipline, discipline.”
“In Seattle, they have a new streetcar: the South Lake Union trolley. The acronym for it is SLUT. So in Seattle, you can ride the SLUT.”