“John Edwards’ new theme is ‘Rewarding Work and Ending Poverty in America’? I sit here stunned at the brilliance of this little man. Why, what could we reward work with? A paycheck! And with a paycheck, folks, you could afford a haircut!”
“Do not forget this phrase: ‘Manage the news.’ That is what journalism is. I don’t care if the story is ‘Dogcatcher Ran Over a Cat’ — there’s an action line to every story.”
“I keep my phone on vibrate anyway because I hate the sound of a phone ringing. It can ruin the next 30 minutes of my life — all these weirdo Star Trek sounds sound like UFOs hovering over my house.”
“We’ve tried to get people’s hands wringing over every little thing that happens as a crisis except the one thing that really is: a worldwide movement of lunatics who are being very open and honest about what their intentions are.”
“Over Giant’s Stadium, there was a plane carrying a banner that said, ‘Don’t Believe Al Gore.’ Ha! People are not buying this, for some reason. Probably because of the power of me.”
“RushLimbaugh.com is a veritable conservative encyclopedia. You have to see it to believe it; it’s beyond description. Well, if I had 30 minutes here I could describe it in full, but it’s better if you just go there and take a look at it.”
“I read about Madonna and her performance over at Live Earth; apparently she simulated sex with a guitar. Now, that’s not Madonna. That’s going soft. And this concert called for boldness!”
“Why are the Drive-Bys trying to take Katie Couric down? They’re not trying to take down Brian Williams or Charlie Gibson, and they both do the same thing: read a TelePromTer for 20 minutes and play Preparation H commercials for the other ten.”
“Maybe Katie Couric’s just not a nice person. I might know a little bit about that, but I’m not going to say.”