“You know, we ought to go into business here at EIB selling ‘carbon offsets.’ We could become gazillionaires! ‘Just trust us: we will take steps here at the EIB Network to reduce carbon footprints so that yours can remain as large as you want it to be. A hundred thousand bucks and you can live guilt-free!”
“How do you know when cows have passed gas? I mean, I guess you can smell it, but cows don’t give you a sly look when they do that.”
“Would you listen to this dumb, idiot audience on the Letterman show? They think McCain announcing his candidacy is big news. Who in the world didn’t know this? I don’t know, folks; I’m in sort of a little testy mood today. My fuse gets short when I’m confronted with idiocy.”
“Our first transsexual official. Well, there may have been more, but it’s the first I’ve heard about in the state of Florida. We’re getting progressive down here, Mr. Snerdley. This is cool.”
“Newt Gingrich said, ‘If the country wants therapy, they’ll elect Obama.’ Newt, the country may want therapy! Have you ever watched the number one television show in this country? It’s nothing but therapy! I speak, of course, of the Big O: The Oprah.”
“There is no shred of proof that Al Gore is carbon neutral. In fact, I would submit to you that being carbon neutral is impossible as long as you are breathing.”
“I want to support these guys in the administration, but two weeks ago they tell us that talking to Iran is never going to happen, that they won’t break bread with them and have tea and play the State Farm ‘good neighbor’ jingle. And then, lo and behold, they do it.”
“‘Artificial lighting confuses the sea turtle hatchlings, causing them to veer off course from their intended destination.’ You know, I’ve put myself in the same position as a hatchling, and from where you lay down on the beach you can’t see the lights. By the way, I have nothing against sea turtles.”
“Now, remember: I have never said I’m the smartest person in media. You people just think it.”