“My cat’s bladder forms little crystals that end up blocking her urinary tract, and she thinks she has to go to the bathroom but can’t. Poor little thing was suffering in the litter box… I was watching it for 25 minutes.”
“This Michael Moore — there’s something not right about the guy. And I’m getting fed up every time he waddles onto the stage at the Cannes film festival with whatever crap he has and gets the biggest round of applause from these phony-baloney, plastic-banana, good-time rock-‘n’-rollers.”
“‘Coasts Brace For Busy Hurricane Season.’ Now, let me ask you. I live on the coast. Do I look braced here today?”
“I don’t hear a word about what a rotten collection of reprobates and barbarians and seventh-century derelicts these Muslim terrorists are. We’re not even allowed to say that about them because if we do, some interest group will show up and say it’s offensive.”
“It’s hard to contain myself, folks. I love hearing the sound of my own voice because I love hearing somebody who’s right all the time.”
“Remember where people in the middle of the road generally end up: in the hospital. And if you straddle the fence, you’re going to end up castrating yourself. So be very careful out there.”
“We have all kinds of politicians out there insisting that they are the next Ronald Reagan, but the one thing that most of them do not have is Reagan’s connection with the grassroots. Reagan was able to go over the heads of the media and connect with people, one on one.”
“One of the things I assume when I sit down to do this program each and every day behind this, the Golden EIB Microphone, is your intelligence. I know I’m intelligent, and if you weren’t, you couldn’t keep up.”
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and liberals make you an expert.”
