“You know, this is just like when your cat goes to its litter box. When’s the last time your cat was stranded in its litter box? It’s just like when your pit bull attacks and kills the neighbor’s baby horse. I mean, these things happen. It’s called nature.”
“Football ignoramuses do not irk me unless they’re watching the game with me — which they don’t do because I don’t invite them. If one sneaks in with another guest, I set them up with Oprah reruns in a far-off room so they can’t bother the rest of us.”
“Listen to this: ‘The closing prayer at the DNC winter meeting was given by an imam whose closing line was a prayer for peace and the end of the occupation.’ Ha, ha, ha! ‘Rush, how can you laugh at that?’ I don’t know! Everything today that these people are doing is amusing me!”
“I don’t believe that a loving God would create a being like you or me who could conceive of such a place as paradise or heaven if it weren’t true. That would be an ultimate act of cruelty.”
“Try this headline: ‘Russia to Analyze Yellow-Orange Snow in Siberia.’ What do you bet it’s just bear urine? Everybody is out there just looking for a disaster because of global warming; they’re just looking for some sign that the apocalypse is here. But it’s bear pee.”
“I like to think about this Super Bowl as the ‘first-ever:’ we have the first Super Bowl with two black coaches and he first with both coaches being close friends. This is also the first Super Bowl to occur when I have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Okay — if you have kids with you, turn off the radio. Five, four, three, two, one: not only do I not believe that women don’t know what ‘check your manhood’ means, I firmly believe they are the ones doing it to find out if it exists. Okay, turn the radio back up.”
“We’re going to have to rev up the entire merchandise line now that I’m a Nobel Peace Prize nominee. We’re going to have to make t-shirts with pictures of me on the Nobel Peace Prize underneath the phrase, ‘Give peace a chance.'”
“Statistically speaking, we’re going to have a certain percentage of stupid people in this country — and the more of them that call here on the left, the happier I am.”