“Bill Cowher has resigned as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers; he’s now into his third minute of thanking people. The best thing about this is that, at this point in time, he has not cried. Oh, no! I can see it coming: the eyes are getting moist. Oh, don’t do it! Don’t!”
“Everybody knows that Terry McAuliffe will die one day of anal poisoning because he’s so close to Bill and Hillary Clinton.”
“You know what people want to see? They want to see us killing the enemy! They want the enemy dead! Hell’s bells, folks: when you go to a war movie and the enemy gets blown away, you applaud! Some of you may even cry in joy.”
“‘Young women in Sweden, Germany, and Australia have a new cause: they want men to sit down while urinating.’ This is where feminism has taken us, folks. I kid you not.”
“You never hear a guy complaining that his wife left the toilet seat down or up — whatever it is. It’s not a concern for me anyway; I have my own toilet.”
“Presidents from this day forward are going to have to factor in 24/7 media coverage of the war in their war planning, and part of that is providing pictures of their good news — and good news includes killing the enemy. Sorry; that may sound brutal, but it’s war.”
“What happened to the real anti-war left? Most of them are just aging and sitting there taking Pepto-Bismol and Prep H while watching Katie Couric.”
“The Oprah is The Oprah, and she can squash anybody she wants to. All people can do is grovel and suck up to The Oprah. I mean, do you think Donald Trump would ever call The Oprah a fat slob?”
“Believe me, the throat is not the only orifice that Democrats want to get in. You have to guard every entry and exit point in your body because if they can find one, they’ll exploit all of them.”
