“Try this from AP: ‘As the world’s top condom experts convene this week…’ Condom experts? ‘Hey, little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?’ ‘Mommy, mommy! I want to be an expert on condoms!’ ‘Really, little Johnny?'”
“What a night in Philadelphia it was last night! The first time I have ever seen brotherly love in Philadelphia, and it was directed at me. And, of course, I gave it back to the audience.”
“If there has ever been an engine for peace in the world, it is the United States military. So I call on Albert Arnold Algore to redirect his Nobel Peace Prize to genuine agents of peace.”
“Much the same way as the Nobel Prize gave credence to Jimmy Carter’s anti-Semitism and Yasser Arafat’s ‘peace’ campaign, Algore now has that same credibility for the ‘religion’ of global warming.”
“Algore’s problem is that when he starts campaigning he sighs, and then he hires Naomi Wolf to dress him up in earth tones. And, you know, nobody likes him.”
“Former vice president Walter Mondull is planning to endorse Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. That’s a good thing? A loser endorsing Mrs. Clinton? It’s a fait accompli.”
“I could tell by the audience reaction that it was going well last night. I felt good; only had five drinks before I went out. Just kidding! You can’t say these things anymore with all these watchdogs out there.”
“Here we are, discussing the size of excrement on a cartoon show in the context of congenital heart disease. Snerdley, did she tell you she was going to mention this? We’ve become Lennie Bruce!”
“Who’s worse — Hillary Clinton or Al Gore? The distinction is not that great; we’re talking socialists here. Either one of them would be a disaster.”
