“We’ll have a ‘best of’ show on Monday. By the way, H.R., do you know which ‘best of’ show it is? February 20th? Oh, there have been better shows since February 20th! We’ve had a couple of kick-ass shows since then!”
“John Edwards said he went to the hedge fund to ‘learn about poverty.’ And I think he did learn something about it: avoid it. Ha, ha!”
“Somebody from the New York Times is listening to you right now, John, and they think that you don’t have your two front teeth, have four-week-old stubble, and are sitting there in a plaid shirt with your gun over your shoulder and a bottle of old crow next to you.”
“This is the theme from ‘The Young and The Restless,’ they tell me. I wear a cochlear implant, so these violins sound like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Oh, my! Okay! That’s enough of it!”
“I’m reading something… Something about an illegal monkey. An illegal monkey immigrant. Hmm, I have to figure this out.”
“This is gut-wrenching! Heart-wrenching! How can this happen in the United States of America? How can Big Government take away a pet monkey like this?”
“There is a clear route to winning the Nobel peace prize: simply trash George W. Bush and the United States. That is how Jimmy Carter won his, and it’s why Al Gore will probably win this one.”
“A McCain aide said that ‘Barack Obama wouldn’t know the difference between RPG and a bong.’ Now, I know that those of you in Rio Linda know what a bong is, but you may not know what a RPG is. It’s a rocket-propelled grenade.”
“I have been corrected about something by an e-mailer, which means I might be wrong. And since that is so rare, I’m going to lead the next hour with it. I love doing things I don’t get to do much.”