“I’m not in a good mood today, folks; I just want to warn you about this. Have you seen the latest news from Forbes magazine? 153 new billionaires — a grand total now of 946 billionaires — and I’m not one of them.”
“John Kerry said, ‘We must never forget the importance of going after the terrorists before they strike.’ Ha, ha! Do you know what that’s called? That’s called preemption! So it’s like a ‘sha-zam!’ here.”
“We have words that are so heinous that they have been all but banned by the left. The N-word, the F-word before Ann Coulter, the F-word after Ann Coulter… but the real unmentionable is the R-word: Rush. Try that in leftist circles and see what happens.”
“Where is Bush? He’s in Brazil? Well, they do produce some pretty good-looking models. It’s their number one export: underweight, size-zero models. That’s about it.”
“Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen, for Hagelmania? I’m not joking. I’m actually asking if people are ready for Hagelmania.”
“By the way, there’s a new New Republic with Barack Obama on the cover, and he doesn’t look pretty in this caricature. It really emphasizes those Dumbo ears.”
“Senators are not executives; they’re basically delegators. They have staff to do all the reading and all the writing for them. If something tough comes up, they just give it to the staff: ‘I’m busy! I’m in Vegas! Don’t you understand, sailor?'”
“That’s what it says here: ‘No white man can understand the experience a woman has to go through to move ahead.’ Wait — I’m going to blow my nose. What an appropriate time to have to do this, too.”
“People say that political rhetoric and incivility has reached new lows and so forth, and I’m thinking I’m probably responsible for that. I think I have created the kook left. I think I have driven them insane.”