Speaking of which, honest to Pete, folks, this is from a physics website, PhysOrg.com. ‘Scientists Confirm Long-held Theory About Source of Sunshine.’ Scientists and physicists ‘have made the first real-time observation of low-energy solar neutrinos, which are fundamental particles created by nuclear reactions that stream in vast numbers from the sun’s core.’ Essentially, ladies and gentlemen, what we all learned in the first grade, maybe even sooner, has been confirmed by America’s physicists. The sun and its nuclear explosions produce sunshine. It has been firmly established by physicists and scientists. And for the rest of today’s global warming update, dadelut dadelut dadelut dadelut dadelut dadelut dadelut dadelut, we turn to Paul Shanklin as Algore ripping off Johnny Cash.
(Playing of Ball of Fire.)
Paul Shanklin, white comedian, as he’s been called by media critics of this program, as Algore there with Ball of Fire. All right, this is from Der Spiegel: ”Norway’s Moose Population in Trouble for Belching.’ The poor old Scandinavian moose is now being blamed for climate change, with researchers in Norway claiming that a grown moose can produce 2,100 kilos of carbon dioxide a year — equivalent to the CO2 output resulting from a 13,000 kilometer car journey. Norway is concerned that its national animal, the moose, is harming the climate by emitting an estimated 2,100 kilos of carbon dioxide a year through its belching and farting. Norwegian newspapers, citing research from Norway’s technical university, said a motorist would have to drive 13,000 kilometers in a car to emit as much CO2 as a moose does in a year.’
How are they going to blame this on America? We have our own cows here with methane production, it’s America’s fault because we eat beef, but we don’t consume moose. (interruption) Just hang on here just a second. I’m going to deal with this in my own way, Mr. Snerdley. I know you don’t believe it, it’s a crock, but even if it’s true, we can dispel it. Let me try this. Do not the environmentalist wackos and animal rights people say that the activities of plants and animals tell something about how nature works and wouldn’t the earth be a much cleaner, less polluted place if we weren’t here, or if there were fewer of us, and if we didn’t live in such advanced ways, without so much industrialization, driving around, smokestacks and all that? Okay, they do. They tell us all this. They tell us primarily that American civilization, western civilization, advanced, free societies are creating all of these horrible problems that are leading to global warming and climate change. Now, a moose is an innocent beast placed here to be a cartoon character for us, or in some cases a beast of burden, in some cases a national animal for the country of Norway. Now all of a sudden scientists, who are trying to tell us it’s our SUVs and automobiles, now say it’s a national animal of Norway that’s causing far more destruction to their climate.
Do they not also tell us that the activities of plants and animals, that’s pure nature, right? Pure, 100% nature. They provide the checks and balances that the natural world has that helped to make the earth a more habitable place. Now all of a sudden they’ve targeted cows, because that’s a beef industry, but we don’t eat moose. We Americans don’t. I don’t know what they do over in Norway. Now, if this is all true, all of this methane that the moose produce obviously means that Mother Nature intended it, and Mother Nature does not destroy herself! Mother Nature must have intended for this to happen. Where is Norway, folks? It’s up there near the Arctic Circle. It is cold up there. Maybe Mother Nature is doing this to help warm up the frigid place. Mother Nature is cold. Mother Nature is warming herself with moose gas. Well, doesn’t this make sense? The moose, innocent animal like every lovable animal and plant in the world, just is the essence of nature, the essence of innocence, so it’s out there producing all this methane, gotta be a reason for it. Has to be a reason for it. As I say, it gets pretty chilly up there in Norway. I think this is the only environmentally friendly conclusion that we can draw. Mother Nature is just trying to warm herself up. Mother Nature could kill the moose and use the coat as a jacket or something, but no, Mother Nature is not going to destroy the moose.
How about the dinosaurs? Can you imagine? You want to talk methane, I wonder if they gassed themselves into extinction now that this report has come out? This is absurd. The idea that cars were destroying the planet, and now it’s a moose, does anybody want to really try to intellectually follow these people? It just gets more and more ridiculous each and every time these people come up with some finding, like these clowns at the physics place that have discovered the long-held secret to the source of sunshine. It’s the sun! Who would have thought it?
Now, from LiveScience.com. It’s getting close to back to school. I hope your parents’ credit cards are still working here, kids, after you’ve gone out there and gotten ready to go, but for those of you who haven’t done the back-to-school-shopping yet, I have some tips for you, some environmentally friendly back-to-school tips from the World Wildlife Fund. They want to keep your backpack green as you head back to school. Here are some of the tips. Get this.
‘Number one: See if there are things, such as pencils and pens, left over from last year that can be used this year in school, rather than buying new.
‘Number two: Look for school supplies — folders, notebooks, staples — made of recycled materials. Using recycled products helps save landfill space and cut pollution. The EPA has found that recycling reduces water pollution by one-third and air pollution by 75 percent.’
I don’t know how you recycle staples. I guess you get the staples that came in stapled documents. You take the staple out with a staple puller. You know how to do that? And then when it comes time to recycle the staple, I guess you get a hammer and try to hammer the staple into the stack or you just take one hole at a time for each side of the staple per page. Let’s say you’ve got three or four pages that you need to staple — we ought to do a video demonstration of this, I can show how this is done. You take a staple that you pulled out of a previous document, and you take it one page at a time, you take one end of the staple and you hammer it in. Make sure you got a Band-Aid and some hydrogen peroxide hanging by when you stab yourself doing this.
‘Number three: Try finding back-to-school deals on the web. Ordering school supplies online or by phone saves you a trip to the store as well as the fuel needed to drive from store to store.
Never mind that if you order online, a jet’s going to bring it to the airport near your house and a big van is going to be then delivering it to your house. (Laughing)
‘Number four: Look for the FSC label on pencils and paper. Many paper products are made from trees specifically grown and harvested for papermaking, thus sparing delicate rainforest ecosystems. The Forest Stewardship Council certifies that wood and paper products are grown and managed responsibly.
‘Number five: Purchase supplies with minimal packaging. Packaging makes up about a third of the garbage that piles up in landfills.
‘Number six: Brown bag meals and avoid plastic.’
See, if kids follow this, we might not have found that decapitated woman’s head in Alligator Alley the other day. No criminal is going to decapitate somebody and put their head in a brown bag. This could lead to problems solving crime. But they still say it. ‘Brown bag meals and avoid plastic. Pack school lunches in brown, unbleached, recycled paper bags whenever possible. And if your child has a favorite superhero, there’s a good chance the character is printed on a re-usable lunchbox.’
‘Number seven: Prepare lunches,’ for your little crumb crunchers. Who does this? There’s a school lunch program; a school breakfast program. Who the hell is packing lunch for kids anymore? (interruption) You do it? Okay, well, then if you do that, use local produce, it says here. ‘Be aware of the distances food travels and the emissions necessary to ship and truck it there. Although broccoli is grown at nearby farms, the ones that shoppers pick up at the supermarket traverse an average distance of 1,800 miles.
‘Number eight: Refill water bottles. Don’t throw them away.
‘Number nine: Look for laptops made by companies working to reduce their global emissions.
‘Number ten: Walk or bike to school, not only to get exercise but also to benefit the environment.’
So there you have it. Global warming update today, the environmentally friendly back-to-school tips, all designed to pollute the minds of you and your kid.
BREAK TRANSCRIPT
RUSH: So let’s review, folks. We got a moose burping; we got a moose farting; we got cows farting. There’s a whole lot of crap going on out there. I also want to know what kid, what normal kid, eats produce, especially for lunch at school? And, of course, walking to school, that’s increasingly difficult in this country because of busing.
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