“A programming note: Mr. Snerdley has been suspended for the day. He presented a call to me last Friday involving human waste movements. He thought it would be funny, but the caller never got there because I maintain class and decorum.”
“There is also a small yellow smear on the smear letter in the left margin of page two. We think that Senator Kennedy may have been eating a hot dog when he signed.”
“Hillary Clinton also says ‘we have to restore our moral role in the world.’ A question, ladies and gentlemen: Is it moral to protect a terrorist who has information which he would use to blow up a city?”
“Turkey is getting close now to making war and crossing the border into northern Iraq, which would be a terrible thing. But the Democrats are really the ones responsible for all this. ‘Nancy Pelosi’s War’, we will call it.”
“I never watch The View. Good Lord, who would? What kind of empty, miserable life must you have to want to watch that show?”
“I have two TVs in my fashionable Upper East Side apartment, but neither of them are high definition — they’re just little Sonys. So I don’t even have a wife, but I have to leave home to watch football.”
“I thought about sending Dingy Harry a tube of K-Y Jelly before we posted his smear letter on eBay just to make the whole reverse process a little less painful for him, but I didn’t do it.”
“NASCAR people ought to get inoculated against these Senate Democrat staffers, because they have an incurable disease called ‘liberalism’. Well, it’s not incurable, but it certainly is damn well destructive.”
“Peace only results from victory. You do not ‘negotiate’ peace until you’ve kicked somebody’s rear end.”