“Everything I do is ratings. Why do you think authors put my name in the titles of their books? They’re a bunch of parasites that couldn’t sell their books without my name. I am ratings. I am Rush Limbaugh.”
“Dialogue is worthless if it’s two ignoramuses talking to each other. Dialogue is also worthless if it’s one intelligent person trying to talk to an idiot. That’s why I’m dropping the Channel 13 thing.”
“About this ’24’ jump the shark business… I don’t even think it’s possible for ’24’ to jump the shark because Jack Bauer would just jump in and kill the shark.”
“I remember the modern era of feminism actually commencing because that’s when it started impacting my life. And I’m telling you: I do not have fond memories of it, folks.”
“It came about through feminism that the new definition of the ideal husband was if he was the one who got up at three in the morning to change diapers. And you wonder why I don’t have kids?”
“I have a prediction to make for you: before the day is out, we will have Democrats on television accusing the Bush administration for creating this near-terrorist incident at Fort Dix.”
“20% of the people in this country are pulling the wagon, and 80% are in it. And those 80% have a far greater percentage of the vote than the 20% pulling the wagon.”
“One of the Menendez brothers admitted he fired point-blank into his mother’s face. There were six female jurors and they all said, ‘We felt so sorry for him because he’s not going to have his parents anymore.’ Well, of course not! He killed them!”
“You want to hear the little kid voice that I do? ‘Mommy, mommy, mommy! I was listening to Rush at school today! What is, ‘pulling the goalie’?”