“I’ve had my stint at television already, and no, I don’t want to direct. What I want to do is earn money when I sleep, folks. That’s my next objective.”
“There is no sound bite, no torturously crafted statement, no skillful twist of logic, no lawyerly proclamation, and no media spin whatsoever that will turn the House vote tomorrow — this nonbinding resolution — into anything but a disgrace of historic proportion.”
“These House members voting for this nonbinding resolution are demonstrating for each and every one of us that they have all the courage in the world to show us that they have no courage whatsoever.”
“Many Americans don’t watch cable or listen to radio; they’re just out there playing bingo, croquet, and shuffleboard during the day. Then they come home, drink the stuff that keeps the bowels moving, and start watching Brian Williams.”
“The drill on ’24’ did not permeate the skin; it’s Hollywood! It’s make-believe! The blood is colored water or food coloring or Jell-O or what have you! The actors go home and there’s not a mark on their bodies…unless there’s an accident. But then there’s a big settlement and it all works out.”
“Live Aid was just a bunch of liberals getting together and taking your money to try to show you how good their hearts and intentions are. Did they accomplish anything? Just diddly-squat.”
“Can you imagine what the application for the Bank of America credit card must look like? ‘Name does not matter. Social Security number obviously doesn’t matter, because you don’t have one.'”
“It’s as though the real crime that’s being committed in the world today is US torture — not the massacre of innocents by militant Islamofascists — and I’ve about had it with this idiotic, silly, irrational way of looking at thing! What a nation of a bunch of pansies!”
“Stop the tape a second! It’s a television show, Carol! What a dip-bleep you are!”