“I remain a man you could totally trust with your wife, your daughter, and your pets overnight at a Motel 6 while you’re away on a business. People ask, ‘Why Motel 6?’ Because I’m just assuming that’s where most people who would ask me to stay with their wife would stay.”
“By the way, it warmed my heart to see Lindsey Graham get booed out there in South Carolina. Stand up for yourself, Lindsey! Stop trying to be McCain, Jr.”
“Mitch McConnell said the immigration bill can’t possibly be completed before Memorial Day. That’s going to drive McCain crazy: ‘There’s no debate! Don’t you understand, sailor? F you!'”
“All I know is that whenever I want fruit, I’m able to get it — and I don’t eat fruit. Can’t stand fruit.”
“‘Tainted apples and toxic mushrooms were among 107 Chinese food imports detained at US ports last month.’ What are the Chinese doing? First they’re poisoning our pets, now they’re poisoning us!”
“My tolerance today for stupidity is very, very low, folks. I don’t feel like suffering fools. It all started when I was watching the Today show and they put forth some expert on ‘how to eat less.'”
“‘Limbaugh blasts feminists while grousing and lamenting how hard it is for him to find a good old-fashioned gal to cook and clean for him.’ I have never done that! Those women are not hard to find, trust me. Besides, I have a staff that does all that.”
“I like living, so I’m not going to make any further comments about union guys in prison.”
“As you know, last week we were trying to come up with an official song to help Mrs. Clinton out in her campaign. Mike, see if you can find ‘Baby Got Back’ real quick.”
