“Oprah Winfrey earned $260 million last year. That’s more than a quarter of a billion dollars, for those of you in Rio Linda. And we can only wonder, ladies and gentlemen, how much more would she have earned if were she not African-American.”
“I even air-condition my garages, folks. Absolutely. I’m not about to take a shower, get dressed, go out for dinner at night, and get into a sweaty, hot garage. Besides, I have to protect my cars. So, yes: big carbon footprint.”
“Headline: ‘New York Cabdrivers Threaten Strike Over GPS Systems.’ Well, now! Ha! There are some things we don’t need to say here…I suppose we can rename the program, ‘Track Your Local Muslim.'”
“Let me tell you something: you get both sides on this program. I am more honest about what liberals think and say than they are! I present their side on this program so I can nuke it.”
“I remember one time I made a comment about Amy Carter and her appearance. My mother called after that and said, ‘You can’t talk about people that way. Besides, you forgot Margaret Truman.'”
“The Roman empire, for those of you in Rio Linda, lasted from the BC era up to early AD. Hmm, I probably lost them there, too. Well, it was many, many years ago. But anyway, look what happened to the Romans: they became the Sopranos.”
“I never heard of this person — Jean Edward Smith. So there’s a female first name and a male middle name. I have no clue here what the gender is. John Edwards probably knows this person, but I don’t.”
“Let me fire with dead aim right between your eyes, ok? What if I were to say to you: ‘Those are Michael Vick’s dogs, and that was his property, and whatever he wants to do with them is his choice.’ Don’t we have politicians telling us that women can do that with their babies in the womb?”
“I must have been on vacation when that happened because I don’t remember anyone throwing a Shih Tzu into oncoming traffic.”
