“We abstain from Valentine’s Day here. Well, I’m speaking for myself. Dawn, did you abstain? What about you, Brian? Well, you’re freshly married; you don’t have any choice. Snerdley, you’re engaging in perfunctory Valentine’s Day duties? Whoa, whoa! There must be somebody new in Snerdley’s life!”
“I’d go to your husband’s office right now and say you just got off the phone with me and that you wish I was your husband. See what that does to him.”
“The president is not a partisan guy. He is not going to tell you liberals that you’re threatening the success of this mission. Instead, he leaves it up to people like me to do, which, frankly, gets a little tiresome.”
“You cannot be this dumb, Bruce! Let me ask you a question: how do you spell ‘star’? You’re not a Ph.D. A Ph.D. would have answered the question.”
“I know that it frustrates some of you people when we get these idiot left-wingers on the phone, but I enjoy it. You have to understand; the whole point of this program is for me to enjoy myself because if that doesn’t happen, you aren’t going to enjoy it, either.”
“Is this not funny? Now some bodyguard claims he could be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. What is this — #5 in the line? Well, #6 since I put myself in the line yesterday just for the fun of it.”
“So the enemy can do no wrong, the enemy is all-powerful, Bush lies, the American government lies, and we only get the truth what’s happening in Iraq via the enemy. There you have it. CNN, thanks so much. We can always count on you.”
“Headline: ‘SUV Plows Into Theater as Moviegoers Watch Dream Girls.’ Well, there’s only one conclusion here: SUVs hate musicals.”
“Look; I’ve been a husband. It’s just much easier to say ‘I was wrong’ and move on.”